The Eternal Queen’s Manifesto

I will tell you why. It is not a secret… why.

I spent my life as a young woman wondering what was wrong with me. Really grappling with it. Have you ever thought to do that?

The day I realized the truth, it was supposed to be a beautiful day. And it was, I think, for everyone else. All day I gave. I gave, and I gave, and I gave. I am not a nice person by accident. Every day, every moment of my life, I strive to better myself because it takes effort to be kind. You really have to try in order to have patience, to have compassion, and to be thoughtful.

So, all day I gave. Because that is what we do for the people we love when the situation demands it. And at the end of it all, you took just a little bit more. Did you even think to ask first?

When you touched me, what was going through your mind? I heard you chuckle guiltily.

After you did, I did nothing. I said nothing. To nobody. Because it wasn’t my day to ruin and I am not selfish like you are.

I let you drive me back to the rental home and slept under the same roof as you because this was nothing new. You were just one in a truly endless line of abusers. That night I dreamed of the future and saw all the men waiting for their opportunity to be next.

I left before sunrise because I could not bring myself to laugh at your jokes. And still, I could say nothing, because it was not my moment.

I drove away. And when I got home, I ran until my knees ached, stumbling through winding forest paths and along the roadside just trying to find something to ease my mind. I shuffled into my apartment at the last light of dusk and I cried until my eyes swelled. I pounded my thighs with my fists because there was nowhere else for my anger to go. It was stuck there in the core of me. I recognize my anger. I am not afraid to look at it, and because of this I can avoid spreading its poison mindlessly into other people’s lives… because that would be cruel. That would be small.

I took off my clothes and I looked away. I showered to wash the invisible filth off this body that I could no longer stand because you made it into an object. This thing that was not wholly mine anymore but that I am inextricably attached to. And in a sudden moment of clarity I caught myself wondering again what was wrong with me?…

Rage.

Rage smoldered in me then, and still blazes in me now, righteous and clean. It is inextinguishable since the realization that I blamed myself for what you did to me. And so did every other woman.

You had all of history to get this right. All that time you could have been benevolent, and if not that, then at least fair. You built a society where the consistent, repeated messaging is that women are not good enough as they are. And when we jump through every hoop you have, rising to ranks of respect that should not need to be earned, you still take more.

I did put in the effort to make myself feel beautiful. I could look into the mirror and appreciate this body and face. I could see the glowing smile and healthy curves, but the second I looked away I would feel the creeping shadows of my mind shroud my confidence in doubt. Because every effort I made became an invitation for your lingering eyes and wandering hands.

Never again. Not one more time.

You had your chance, and I brought that to an end. With the right tools, it was surprisingly easy. It was reminiscent of when I killed our father all those years ago. The time had simply come for women and girls to walk free under the sun and the moon.

Tell me, when mankind was alone, how long did it take to realize everything you worked for was for nothing? All that shoving you did to stay at the top and now you were dying off without womankind in a single generation! The weakness of it. The absolute frailty. Did you feel vulnerable then? Violated now? Hopeless… perhaps?

I wish I could have been there to see it.